Cadbury Egg Warfare

What's the first thing that comes to mind when I say Easter egg hunt?

For me, it's that parents are evil. Plain and simple.

Have you ever been to an Easter egg hunt? They're terrible. Kids are running all over & screaming. Then they're falling, and screaming some more as they're being trampled. There is also more screaming caused by the Easter egg hunt bullies. Those little jerks will steal the eggs right out of your basket.

As the children are divided by age/stature, half of them are already crying as they're lined up for the shot gun start that will further ruin their day. Something will then happen to delay the start, and then even more of them are crying. Some have started pushing, or kicking dirt on the kids next to them. Watch out for those kids, they're more likely than not the Easter egg hunt bullies.

Finally, the hunt is on. 7 of the 30 children involved have tripped and fallen during their first 5 steps. They've been stepped on, and are running back to their parents crying, with an empty basket. That empty basket will be the reason they're crying for the next 3 hours. The remaining 23 children will fall victim to survival of the fittest. Those of poor balance and agility will fall victim, quite literally, to the uneven surfaces of the field they're sprinting through. They will fall down, and quite possibly sprain an ankle, or bump their head on a tree. Someone may go to the hospital, whether they need a butterfly closure or a cast,  emergency room here they come. Survival of the fittest will take out about 15 competitors. That leaves 8. Those 8 are the bullies. These 8 children have helped survival of the fittest along, by pushing and shoving the smaller children out of their way. They've also stolen half of their eggs from the weaklings after they knocked them down. Little jerks.

At last, everyone is rounded back up with their families. The smart mothers have a mini-first aid kit in their purses, and are nursing small scrapes and bruises with antibacterial wipes and snap-em ice packs. The not-so-prepared mothers are grumbling as they drag their children into the nearest bathroom to fight for sink-space, soap, and paper towels. Someone is cursing on the way out of the church parking lot, because they're on their way to the emergency room. What a great day this has been for everyone.

Let's not forget that the churches that have these egg hunts before the church service itself. Genius. Now, if they weren't crying before, they're crying because their parents are locking their loot in the car for the next hour or so. All they wanted to know is what is in that glittery egg. The glittery egg is special, therefore the contents must be amazing. Good luck quieting that level of childhood anticipation during the sermon. The service is filled with sniffling children, and whispering mothers. No one is hearing the good news that they so anxiously got up at sunrise for.

Basically, unless you're the bully/Easter egg hunt gold medalist; Easter eggs hunts are terrible for you.

Easter eggs hunts are also really just another event that proves nice guys finish last. Just sayin'.